game of thrones recap 1.07: "you win or you die"

Queen Cersei thinks your pieces of paper are bullshit

Shit gets the realest it has ever gotten, but let me tell you now: if you are looking for quick and easy resolutions, you will not be finding them here. In fact, the trouble has only just begun.

King’s Landing

I’m not sure where Tywin and Jaime are holed up exactly, so we’ll just lump it in with the rest of the goings on in King’s Landing, since that’s what they’re most directly related to anyway. Tywin Lannister, patriarch of the house, is badass (and again perfectly cast). We’re introduced to him out in the field with his men, dressing his own game. It does not get manlier than that my friends. He doesn’t give a whit for honour either, only the strength and integrity of his house, and he will do anything to maintain it. So instead of heeding Ned Stark’s summons to court, he sends Jaime off to Riverrun, the ancestral home of the Tully (Catelyn, Ned’s wife, family) with a hundred men to exact vengeance for her kidnapping of Tyrion. Clearly no one has got the memo that he is free.

Ned for some reason decides it’s a good idea to go to Cersei with the information that he knows about her incest, which is probably the biggest mistake he could make. The real Cersei again makes an appearance, and her hatred of Lyanna and her husband is made plain. Ned threatens her, tells her to take the children and run before Robert comes back, because he doesn’t want their blood on his hands. Cersei doesn’t seem to give a damn for his threats, and pretty much threatens him back. But Ned of course doesn’t believe that women can have “wroth” and ignores her, trusting she’ll do the “right thing” aka what he tells her to.

We get an um, enlightening scene with Baelish and his whores. A”whore audition” so to speak. With Roz! Who apparently hitched a ride on a magical turnip cart that can get to King’s Landing almost instantaneously! And of course she is giving it all up for the audience, and we get a jolly fisting scene while Petyr reveals important information about his past, who he is, and his relationship with Catelyn Tully. Needless to say I found this scene completely gratuitous, because the sex was pretty much unnecessary. AND distracting. Even Swidgen knows that you give your important monologues when the whore is giving you a blowjob, not when they’re doing their own thing off in the corner, moaning like crazy. I am pretty sure that use of whores in TV 101. The people who made Deadwood should have taught a class on it.

Anyway, King Robert coincidentally gets gored by a boar on his hunt, which of course throws Ned’s plan on its ass. He can’t tell him about his children and wife now, not when he’s dying. He directs Ned to write his will, and puts Ned in charge of the realm until Joffrey is of age. Ned does the only thing he can do at this point, and write “my rightful heir” instead of Joffrey’s name. A lot of people on the interwebs were thinking this was completely dishonourable, but when you think about it, it completely follows his own code. He can’t serve a king when he knows he’s not the rightful heir, which Joffrey’s not. It goes completely against his code of ethics. THAT’S why he changes the will. Robert also directs Ned to stop the hit on Daenarys.

Ned is left to leave his friend to die in peace, and Ser Barristan tells him the king was gored because of all the wine he was drinking. Varys cannily asks who gave it to him, and of course it was Terrible Hair Lannister, his squire! If he gets a promotion too then we know something is up with that. Ned also finds out it’s too late to do anything about Daenarys. Renly also tries to get Ned on his side, to steal Joffrey away from his mother and rule through him. But Ned would rather back Stannis since he’s the older Baratheon brother and next in line, and Renly reveals his true intentions to rule. Ned still says no, and has faith in his piece of paper that names him Lord Protector. He also sends off another piece of paper to Stannis proclaiming Joffrey’s illegitimacy, and makes plans for a coup of his own. He tells Baelish of his plan, and he counsels him instead to make peace with the Lannisters and take the position as Joffrey’s Lord Protector. It would make him the most powerful man in the kingdom, and Baelish would have no problem getting rid of the boy later if he proved too troublesome. Of course Ned is not behind this plan at all either. Instead he asks Baelish to get the city watch on his side for when he makes his announcement to arrest Joffrey and Cersei, and Baelish seems to agree to it.

Ned is then summoned to the throne room buy Joffrey, but Renly and the Tyrells have already jumped ship. Cersei has also named herself Queen Regent in the 5 seconds since Robert has died, and Joffrey orders Ned to swear fealty to him. Ned instead gives Ser Barristan the will naming him Lord Protector, and Cersei gets her revenge on Ned for his threats by tearing it up and ordering his arrest. Most of the bannermen look pretty confused, especially when Ned then calls on the Gold Cloaks to arrest the Queen, but unfortunately for him, Baelish has in fact sided with the Lannisters (which he all but told Ned anyhow), and the Watch turns on him instead. FOR SOME REASON HE IS STILL SURPRISED.

Winterfell

Another very brief scene at Winterfell, where Osha the Wilding is awesome, and gives Theon Greyjoy some lip (it must be his face because he really seems to bring this out in all the ladies). Even the Maester burns Theon pretty bad. Osha then tells the Maester why she’s come south, which is of course because she’s fleeing the white walkers, and again no one believes it.

The Wall

Yaaaay more Samwell and Jon bromance! They’re keeping watch atop the wall when a lone horse returns to Castle Black. Sam adorably tries to remember how any horn blasts he’s supposed to sound, but Jon notices the horse is rider less. They let it in, and it turns out to be his Uncle Benjen’s horse, but his uncle his nowhere to be seen.

Sam and Jon also ‘graduate’ from their training and become full brother of the Night’s Watch. But Jon can’t enjoy it because he’s brooding about the disappearance of his uncle. Jon and Sam both choose to take their vows in the weirwood, Jon because the Starks actually do believe in the Old Gods and Sam because his own house and gods seem to have forsaken him, and because his loyalty now lies with Jon and the Watch (awwww!). Instead of being named a ranger, something he’s wanted since he was a kid, Jon is named to the stewards with Sam, and he is initially pissed and tries to leave in a huff. However, he’s to be the Lord Commander Mormont’s (yes he is related to Ser Jorah) steward, and Sam rightfully points out that it’s probably because the Lord Commander is grooming him to take his place. Sam then reveals that he didn’t dream of being a steward of the Night’s Watch either, and instead wanted to be a wizard (awwwww!), and Jon laughs and decides to stay.

Jon and Sam then go beyond the wall to the weirwood to give their super depressing vow against fun at the heart tree, and Jon’s wolf Ghost suddenly appears as they’re finishing with a severed hand, further dampening the ‘celebratory’ mood. Whose hand is it? Well, we’re not going to find out until next time we visit the Wall. Probably. Maybe.

Vaes Dothrak

We get a nice domestic scene with Dany and Drogo, where she braids his hair and tries to convince him to invade the Seven Kingdoms. You know, as you do. The Khal, however, still does believe in boats. Dany then goes to the market with her small retinue and Ser Jorah and voices her frustrations to him. He tells her it will happen when it’s meant to, and then sneaks off to check on his mail. Jorah finds out his job as spy is over when he is handed a pardon, and he quickly realizes what that means. Instead of allowing the assassination to proceed though, he instead stops the creepy wine merchant from poisoning Dany with a ‘gift’. Rhekaro takes the assassin out with his whip much like he did Viserys a few episodes ago.

Drogo is furious that someone tried to kill the “moon of [his] life” and proclaims then and there his intention to take vengeance on the Seven Kingdoms. They ride out the next day, the would-be poisoner dragging behind Dany’s horse, penis flopping in the wind.

Randoms

• T&A: 2! Blood: 1 (if we count that deer I guess), and penises: 1. Rape is implied once, and outright promised once. Again this is the first time I have found any of it gratuitous though.

• Outfit of the week: Cersei in the throne room. Come on other characters, wear more different outfits!

• Aw, no Tyrion or Arya this week, but I have heard next week’s episode is called “Stick em with the pointy end” or something similar, so everyone’s favourite spunky 11 year old will be back!

games of thrones recap 106: "the golden crown"

Cersei's gowns are pretty kimono-esque. Probably while I like them. Also stop being so adorable Bran.

There was more jumping from place to place this week (sadly no more Wall and Samwell though!) but for some reason the show remained as focused as last week. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re in the last half of the season, or because the writers have finally found their groove, but I like it. Plus: fanny flashing!

King’s Landing

Ned wakes up, and surprisingly his leg hasn’t gone all gangrenous from sitting in the mud for lord knows how long. Cersei lets the mask slip at the anger over the treatment of Tyrion, still a Lannister after all, so Robert smacks her and orders everyone to just get along, dammit. It doesn’t look like either of them are about to listen, however, but Robert reinstates Ned as Hand anyway, probably mostly because he doesn’t want his hunting trip to get cancelled because he has to do actual work. Ned accepts because he’s dutiful and a bit of a masochist.

Arya is too worried about her father to want to practice her ‘dancing’, but Syrio teaches her an important lesson – swords are pretty much only for times of trouble, so you better be focused on not dying instead of worrying about things you probably can’t change. Plus Arya is starting to get really good and it’s awesome.

Robert reminisces some more about the good ol’ days while on the most ghetto royal hunt ever (Making the 8? EWWWWW.). Renly has clearly taken his lover’s blowjobs; I mean words, to heart and tells his brother outright that he thinks he’s doing a terrible disservice to the nation as king.

Back at court, Ned finds out Tywin Lannister has sent Gregor Clegane into the countryside to terrorize the common folk because of his feud with the Starks. This is the last straw for Ned – h e strips Ser Gregor of title and lands, sends a hundred men out after him and calls for his execution. He also calls Tywin Lannister to court to answer for these crimes. Ned finally realizes he’s the one who truly has any power when the man asking for help mistakes him for the king.

Joffrey lays some surprisingly smooth moves on Sansa (who has gotten increasingly more bitchy the longer she’s been in the capital), and manages to make out with her IN FRONT OF THE CHAPERONE. You get 10 million pimp points for that one Prince Draco Malfoy. I’m guessing he got those moves from Tyrion, because he certainly didn’t get them from Robert or Cersei.

Ned tells his daughters he’s sending them back to the north, and surprisingly, now neither of them wants to leave. Not even Arya. But Sansa does point out something her father has somehow overlooked – Joffrey’s blond hair and that he’s nothing like the king. This takes Ned back to the book of noble lineages, where he finds out that all the Baratheons for like a million generations have had black hair. Add that to the fact that all the king’s bastards (this should be a nursery rhyme) have favoured Robert despite their mother’s colouring, and the fact that we the audience knows Cersei bangs her own brother, and suddenly the princes and princess’ golden hair looks mightily suspicious.

The Eyrie

Tyrion remains locked up in the world’s most terrifying cell, so he manages to convince the stupid turnkey that he’ll give him lots of money for getting him an audience with Lady Lysa. Being Tyrion, he knows exactly what to say to get her attention, and Mord’s. Tyrion gives the best confession ever, and we learn the secret ingredient to Casterly Rock’s stew (also to never eat it). He requests a trial by combat rather than a more traditional verbal one that he knows he can’t win. Of course as a dwarf he needs a champion to fight for him, and Bronn the mercenary steps in. All the knights of the Vale jump at the chance to avenge their lord, but Bronn easily takes out the heavily encumbered knight because he’s willing to fight dirty. This is a key theme in the series – that there are few honourable men, and those that do exist certainly don’t get rewarded for it. In this world, those with wit, money and influence are the ones who seem to excel. Catelyn has no choice but to let him go, because like her husband she still believes in fairness and justice. Tyrion does at least make good on his promise to give Mord his purse, and he tosses it to him on the way out.

Winterfell

Bran continues to dream about a three eyed crow, but at least in the real world his special saddle is finally done, and he can ride again! His joy at this is almost infectious when his big brother lets him take it out for a whirl in the woods. Greyjoy tries to convince Robb vengeance must be taken against the Lannister for what they did to his father, but Robb is understandably hesitant about throwing the entire country into war again. During this discussion he loses sight of his little brother, who gets found by a group of Wildings fleeing from beyond the Wall. They try to rob the boy, but luckily Robb arrives just in time and kills most of the would be bandits. Not before the leader grabs Bran by the throat, and Robb is forced to yield. Greyjoy saves the day though by sneaking up behind and putting an arrow through the Wilder’s throat. Robb isn’t particularly pleased with Theon’s recklessness, so they spare the woman, the only one left.

For some reason we get another little scene with Greyjoy and his favourite prostitute Roz, who is on her way south. She knows her trade well, because she knows with war coming that’s where all the men will be heading, and so she follows the cocks, so to speak. Greyjoy is sad about it even though she burns him about his status again, and he tosses her a coin to get one last look at her magical fanny.

Vaes Dothrak

Dany tries to “hatch” one of her dragon’s eggs by putting them on some hot coals, which for some reason doesn’t seem to burn her. Apparently Dothraki girls are pretty tough though, because her hand maiden gets burned pretty badly and yet doesn’t seem all too concerned. Dany also has to eat an entire raw horse heart (while pregnant and nauseous!) in a Dothraki ceremony that again isn’t really explained (it’s sort of like her official coronation as a khaleesi, although they do leave out some really important information about the older women who are singing. I won’t go there yet in case they do bring it up later). Prophecies are revealed about her unborn child, that he will be the Stallion Who Mounts the World, unite first all the Dothraki tribes and then the rest of the world. The Dothraki have come to love their new Khalessi, and Viserys is jealous of this. He sneaks off to steal her dragon’s eggs to fund his army, but Jorah stops him, cementing his loyalty to Daenarys. Viserys is smart enough to realize that such love is important when you’re hoping to be a leader, but not smart enough to realize that he will probably never have it.

It’s top optional Dothraki feast time again when Viserys spoils the mood by showing up wasted and armed. He threatens his sister and her unborn child with his sword (which is forbidden in Vaes Dothrak). Drogo gets the best revenge ever by “giving him the crown he was promised” – melted down on his fat arrogant head. Of course this kills him, and Dany realizes this means he can’t possibly be the dragon after all, because what kind of dragon gets owned by a little molten gold?

Other thoughts

• Blood: 2, Boobs: 1 (but they’re peripheral), Fannies: 1.

• I’m not sure who is outfit of the week this week, because I was pretty focused on plot, but it looked like Cersei was rocking some pretty sweet satin sleeves in her brief scene. Bran’s little riding getup was also adorable.

• “I once brought a donkey and a honey comb into a brothel….” “What happened next!?” CRACKED ME UP. That whole scene was brilliant actually. Tyrion definitely needs to tell us the rest of his delightful euphemisms for wanking. Also, my guesses for what happened next: They basted the donkey with honey and then ate it. They basted themselves with honey and had the donkey lick it off. They covered themselves in honey and then boned on top of the donkey. They covered themselves in honey and then made the donkey watch. I’m not sure which one is the most perverse, but probably it’s making the donkey watch.

game of thrones recap 105: "the wolf and the lion"

I totally want that belt. If someone wants to steal it from the HBO store in New York for me, well, I won't stop you.

Thrones gets succinct this week, remaining mostly in King’s Landing, with a smattering of the Eyrie and Winterfell. Plus: Gay dudes erotically (?) shaving each other! A penis! Shit generally getting pretty real!

King’s Landing

It’s day 2 of the Hand’s tournament, and King Robert wants to join the joust, but his armour no longer fits. Ned convinces him the endeavour is pointless anyway, because no one’s about to beat the tar of their king (anyone who has seen A Knight’s Tale 20 million times already knows this though). Ned looks into the death of Ser Hugh the day before, and speaks to Ser Barristan, captain of the Kingsguard, about where a squire got the money for all that fancy (but impractical) armour. Ser Barristan, another honourable sort, of course doesn’t really have any useful information, and Ned fails P.I. 101: the good guys never know anything.

Anyway, Ned does actually attend the second day of his tournament, and Loras Tyrell, knight of the flowers, gives his daughter a rose for being the prettiest girl at the tournament. Sansa is of course smitten, and misses entirely the lusty look the young knight gives Robert’s brother Renly, who is right behind her (also the fact that Petyr Baelish all but says out loud that they are bumming each other). Then he cheats at the joust by riding a mare in heat in front of Ser Gregor’s stallion (I’m pretty sure this is the entire reason geldings exist), and the Mountain goes down, HARD. And gets up, PISSED, cuts the horse down, and tries to do the same to the young man. But Ser Gregor's brother, the Hound, jumps in and saves the day, and gives his victory to the Hound, even though he isn’t a knight.

Arya, in the meantime, is off catching cats like the good little Water Dancer that she is. Unfortunately, she doesn’t pay attention and gets lost somewhere deep in the castle’s dungeons, and finds out where the Targaryen’s dragon skulls are hiding. She also catches Varys and Magister Illyrio (He of the sponsoring the Targaryens in Pentos, the man who gave Dany the dragon eggs) scheming down there too, talking about the death of her father, and that war is coming because of what he’s slowly discovering about Robert’s bastards.

After the joust, Varys pretty much confirms to Ned that Jon Arryn was poisoned by his squire because of the questions he was asking about Robert’s bastards, and Varys and Littlefinger get bitchy in the throne room, trading barbs the way only bureaucrats can. You can tell Varys hits a nerve when Littlefinger blurts, “Does someone somewhere keep your balls in a box?” but Varys wins because he actually knows the King is coming to council that day.

Arya finds herself outside the keep and has an awesome scene where she sasses the guards who think she’s some kind of beggar boy. She tries to tell her father that she heard people in the dungeons talking about killing him, and he’s not quite sure if he believes her until she mentions the bastards. However, it’s soon forgotten when Yoren of the Night’s Watch enters the office, and warns Ned that Catelyn has arrested Tyrion. And then Ned is off to find the King to tell him about it when he finds out the king is actually at council for once, because he’s found out that Daenarys is pregnant. He wants them all dead. Ned is still firmly against it, because she’s a child and it’s not the honourable thing to do, even more so when he finds out Jorah Mormont is the source. Robert is having none of it, and Ned quits as Hand. Robert flips, threatening to kill him if he ever sees him again.

Ned rushes back his quarters and starts packing, ordering Jory to get his daughters ready to leave immediately. Petyr Baelish stops by to take him to see the last person Jon Arryn had seen before he was killed, and Ned, obsessed, goes with him. It turns out it was a pretty little blonde whore with yet another baby that looks like the King. Are we seeing a pattern yet? Because we should be.

And in case it wasn’t obvious enough, Loras and Renly are indeed lovers, and Loras likes his man’s body to be smooth as a baby’s bottom. Apparently Renly is a huge wiener who can’t stand the sight of blood. Loras is surprisingly skinny for a warrior. Loras suggests that Renly should be king, because apparently people like him, because he’s kind. In the books Renly is much more martial, but I think this portrayal does make more sense, for many of the reasons they talk about in this scene – Renly is a statesman, he’s been running the country for his brother, and he’s much too young to have been in any war. Even in the books this was the case. So I think it makes much more sense that he’s more of the smarter brother, more of a Tyrion than a Robert. Renly isn’t so sure about this being king business, since he is only fourth in line, but blowjobs make it all better.

Cersei offers her husband her “condolences” for Ned Stark quitting. They have a surprisingly touching scene where they discuss military tactics (and the consequence of a Dothraki invasion), as well as the state of their own marriage and lives. They actually can laugh about all the bitterness in their marriage, even though it’s far from perfect, what with the shadow of Lyanna Stark looming over it for 17 years.

Finally, it looks like Jaime finally heard about what happened to his little brother, and he’s out for blood. He attacks Ned Stark as he’s leaving Baelish’s brothel, and they have quite the little swordfight. It looks like Ned has the upper hand when one of Jaime’s men sticks him in the leg from behind, which even Jaime Lannister, Kingslayer, doesn’t find cool. Jaime leaves Ned bleeding out in the street (because that's totally fine), his men dead (Jory included), demanding the return of Tyrion. Not really much of a thinker, our Jaime Lannister.

The Eyrie

Catelyn Stark was bluffing when she said she was taking Tyrion to Winterfell, to keep anyone loyal to the Lannisters off their trail. Instead she takes him to the Vale, lands of the late Jon Arryn, her sister’s husband, and currently where her sister and nephew have been hiding out since Jon’s death. Catelyn is also convinced that Tyrion had something to do with Jon’s murder, and thinks her sister will help bring him to justice. She hasn’t seen her in five years though, and Tyrion suggests she might not be the person Catelyn remembers. But first they get attacked by one of the hill tribes in the mountains of the Vale, and Tyrion is untied, and even saves Catelyn’s life by beating a man to death with a shield.

They swiftly arrive at the Eyrie, a beautiful round castle on top of a mountain. I was a little sad we didn’t get to see the journey up, because it sounds neat and scary (it involves donkeys, and getting pulled up in a basket). But anyway, Catelyn finds out that indeed her sister’s mental faculties are not all there, since she is still breastfeeding her 7 year old son. In front of everyone. Catelyn and Tyrion’s faces are kind of priceless, and Tyrion still manages to be awesome and sarcastic while proclaiming his innocence. It also turns out that little Robert Arryn is a piece of work, and Tyrion gets shoved in the SCARIEST CELL EVER that has no wall between him and the open air.

Winterfell

Bran gets pissed at his mother for leaving him during a lesson about the many noble houses of the 7 Kingdoms. He ‘forgets’ the Lannister’s motto, even though it’s kind of the easiest one to remember (It’s “Hear me Roar” little dude!), and is not fooled when the Maester tries to convince him that his mother will be home any day. Theon Greyjoy bangs the apparently hot Roz (she looks pretty beat to me), and she makes fun of him for his family’s failed rebellion and his diminished status as a result. Of course he doesn’t appreciate it. We also see his penis, although I didn’t even notice the first time I watched it. Roz kind of owns him though, by saying Tyrion Lannister is way more fun and better in bed (but I mean, he clearly is).

Other thoughts

• Blood: 2, boobs: 3 (although one was fake). I have to say though, I do appreciate that at least all the boobs in this show seem to be real. Although apparently people were really upset about Lady’s implied, off camera death, so people are really going to be shitting about a horse getting his head cleaved half off on camera.

• Jaime Lannister really doesn’t like wearing his uniform, does he?

• Outfit of the week: No contest, Cersei’s pink number. I want that metal belt so bad.
• Also I don't mind that we didn't see the Wall or Vaes Dothrak this week. If anything it showed that this show is at its strongest when it can focus on only a few characters at a time as opposed to all of them. It definitely shows that the show would benefit from either a longer episode order or by having the books split up into more than one season.
  

awesome

It almost makes me wish that dyeing my hair crazy colours didn't involve so much maitenance. Seriously, hair colour technology should be at like, the stage where I can use holograms to change it to whatever colour I want by now, shouldn't it? Because OH GOD, THE MAITENANCE.
Also, my GoT recap will be coming tomorrow. Rain makes me extra productive!*

*actually it makes me move as little as possible.

CAMELOT (aka eva green is fabulous)

I say this because she is really the only reason to watch this show. Her, and her handmaiden Vivian. Maybe I just have a thing for artfully placed face tattoos, but she is amazing. And Eva Green gets to wear some beautiful costumes, and has inspired me to want to rock a chaplet/coronet, because LOOK HOW AWESOME SHE LOOKS IN THEM. And of course all these Medieval type shows also really make me want to get a cape/capelet or something.

game of thrones recap, 1.04: "cripples, bastards, and broken things."

Work it grrrrrls!

First of all, I have to say that this is probably my favourite episode so far. They introduced a couple of my favourite characters, both major and non (SAMWELL! HODOR! GENDRY!), and some very sweet things happened amidst all the doom and gloom. People in Westeros ARE capable of kindness after all, although there are always lots of other people around ready to bum you out immediately. I’m looking at you, Alliser Thorne.

Winterfell

Our time in Winterfell was incredibly brief this week. We saw crippled Bran having strange dreams about three eyed crows. Tyrion stopped by on his way back south, and brought Bran an adorable gift; a saddle that he can use to ride now that he’s lost the use of his legs. Tyrion, being Tyrion, follows this up with lots of bitchy comments, mostly directed at Theon Greyjoy (glorified hostage). You have to admit he burned him pretty good though. I probably cackled for about 20 minutes over that not wearing his favourite whore out line.

The Wall

SAMWELL TARLY HAS ARRIVED!! And he is just the cutest! Samwell is not at all suited to the life of a brother of the Night’s Watch, since he can neither fight nor see very well, but he is sent there because his father doesn’t think him worthy of inheriting the family’s holdings. Again Jon sees just how not bad his own father was. But of course since Sam’s round and admittedly a coward, the other boys decide it will be fun to beat on him in practice. Worse, their arms master, Alliser Thorne, encourages it. But Jon takes the boy’s side, and defends him against the bullies, and even has the clout to get the other boys off his back. True, he has to threaten some of them with his direwolf, Ghost (who we finally SEE!), but it gets the job done. I really quite enjoy the dynamic Jon has with Sam – it reminds me of him with his brothers in Winterfell, although you only saw it briefly. They laugh together (their little sex talk was hilarious and endearing), and Jon is much less emo about his bastardy, which frankly gets pretty tiring after a while. Not that they were allowed to laugh for long mind you.

Vaes Dothrak

They made it! But you don’t really get to see how neat it is (or at least how neat it is described in the books). Again the Dany plotline gets the short end when it comes to budget. Viserys continues to be a self-important little ass, proclaiming the Dothraki as “his” people, refusing to dress like them, in general considering himself better than everyone else. Dany and Ser Jorah (who I kind of find hot; I blame the voice) have a nice little talk about how exactly he got himself exiled, and it turns out he needed to sell those poachers for money, as he may have taken a wife with expensive tastes.

We finally learn about the Targaryen/dragon connection like three episodes after it should have been explained, in a weird, bathtub sex scene with Viserys and Daenarys’ former prostitute handmaid whose name I can’t remember. He was almost a human being there at the beginning, and I can’t blame the girl for finding all this talk of dragons arousing. It was weird, but kind of in a good way. Also that spit a lot of other people keep mentioning was actually just a strand of the girl’s hair catching the light.

And FINALLY, Daenarys gives her brother a piece of her mind when he hits her handmaiden FOR ASKING HIM TO COME HAVE A FRIENDLY DINNER WITH HIS SISTER, and then attacks Dany herself. I almost cried when she cut him with that belt. “That’s my girl!” I thought. Afterwards Ser Jorah helps her realize what she always knew: that Viserys will never get them back the Seven Kingdoms, not even if he had a million Dothraki hordes. He simply does not have the stuff of leaders in him. But after that very fierce and commanding “The next time you lay a hand on me is the last time you have hands!” maybe it’s Daenarys who is the one who does.

King’s Landing

Sansa worries about only giving birth to girls and having everyone in the kingdom hate her for it; Arya doesn’t want to be anyone’s wife and broodmare at all, she’d rather be a Water Dancer thanks. Ned refuses to go the huge tournament that’s being in held in his name, although he’s stuck with the task of dealing with the fallout of having so many visitors in the city. However, he does have enough free time to figure out just what Jon Arryn, the former Hand, was up to before he died. And let’s say it does nothing to assuage his suspicions that he was perhaps murdered. Not only did his illness come on very suddenly, but he was looking into the lineage of the noble houses, and even found one of King Robert’s bastards at a smithy in the city. And it turns out this boy favours his father, not his mother. Who maybe not so coincidentally shares the same colouring as the Queen. I was pretty excited to see Joe Dempsie from Skins playing Gendry. He was my favourite in the second season of that show, and Gendry will be making further appearances in this show too. Ned tries to send a message to Robert with this news, but it doesn’t get there, as the king is “indisposed”. His favourite pastime is apparently having 5 ways with women who are not his wife while his brother in law stands guard in the hall. Keeping it classy as always King Robert. Lots of people keep saying that they only like Tyrion because he seems to be the only one having fun, but come on, King Robert seems to be having a pretty good time too.

Arya and Sansa and their Septa are the only ones who go to the Hand’s tournament, even though it’s supposed to be for their father. Robert of course, acts like a drunken ass; his wife leaves pretty much immediately, the disgust barely hidden on her face. Petyr Baelish gets pretty creepy and pedo-y with Sansa, which I found kind of amusing because she seems to be a good inch or two taller than him. He tells her who everyone is, and we find out that Sandor Clegane, the Hound, has an enormous scary brother, and that said brother is the one who maimed him as a child. The first joust doesn’t end in cheers and glory for all though, when Ser Hugh (formerly Jon Arryn’s squire no less) takes the lance through the throat. Everyone looks justifiably horrified, although I didn’t see what Robert’s reaction was. I’m just going to assume he fell asleep from being so wasted.

Cersei, having left the tournament, for some reason decides to go and “make amends” with Ned Stark, who is also not attending. For a Lannister though, “making amends” has a much different meaning than for the rest of us, and the exchange is filled with subtle jabs, outright disdain and threats. It was kind of awesome though. If it has not been obvious, I kind of secretly love Cersei, and am continuing to love Lena Headey’s simmering portrayal of her.

The episode ends with Catelyn Stark taking a meal at the very inn Lady died at, but her cover is blown when Tyrion Lannister saunters in and recognizes her. What he doesn’t know however, is that Catelyn thinks the knife used to kill her son was his, and uses the only weapon she has, her standing and House allegiances, to have him arrested on the spot. Tyrion looks very surprised. I was glad to see he made good on his word of traveling all the way south with Yoren, the Night’s Watch recruiter though.

Random thoughts

• We saw THREE WOLVES THIS WEEK. Bran’s wolf, Summer; Robb’s wolf Grey Wind; and Jon’s wolf Ghost. It’s my understanding the reason for their infrequent appearances have a lot to do with how little time they had to train them. They had about 12 weeks, and all the dogs were rescues. Hopefully by next season they will be trained better, and we’ll get to see more of them?
• Boobs: 1, blood: 1. Ser Hugh’s death was pretty gross, but is that the grossest use of blood gurgling I have ever seen on HBO? NOT BY A LONG SHOT.
• Ser Gregor looks almost exactly the way I thought he would, but I still don’t find the Hound that scary.
• Outfit of the week: Sansa and Cersei at the tournament, hands down. Although Hugh’s armour was also quite beautiful.
• “Come to take the black pudding!” was a pretty good burn. I still love you though Samwell!
• Also: Lady piggy is way worse than ser piggy (and for some reason my caps won't shut off)