Cersei's gowns are pretty kimono-esque. Probably while I like them. Also stop being so adorable Bran.
There was more jumping from place to place this week (sadly no more Wall and Samwell though!) but for some reason the show remained as focused as last week. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re in the last half of the season, or because the writers have finally found their groove, but I like it. Plus: fanny flashing!
Ned wakes up, and surprisingly his leg hasn’t gone all gangrenous from sitting in the mud for lord knows how long. Cersei lets the mask slip at the anger over the treatment of Tyrion, still a Lannister after all, so Robert smacks her and orders everyone to just get along, dammit. It doesn’t look like either of them are about to listen, however, but Robert reinstates Ned as Hand anyway, probably mostly because he doesn’t want his hunting trip to get cancelled because he has to do actual work. Ned accepts because he’s dutiful and a bit of a masochist.
Arya is too worried about her father to want to practice her ‘dancing’, but Syrio teaches her an important lesson – swords are pretty much only for times of trouble, so you better be focused on not dying instead of worrying about things you probably can’t change. Plus Arya is starting to get really good and it’s awesome.
Robert reminisces some more about the good ol’ days while on the most ghetto royal hunt ever (Making the 8? EWWWWW.). Renly has clearly taken his lover’s blowjobs; I mean words, to heart and tells his brother outright that he thinks he’s doing a terrible disservice to the nation as king.
Back at court, Ned finds out Tywin Lannister has sent Gregor Clegane into the countryside to terrorize the common folk because of his feud with the Starks. This is the last straw for Ned – h e strips Ser Gregor of title and lands, sends a hundred men out after him and calls for his execution. He also calls Tywin Lannister to court to answer for these crimes. Ned finally realizes he’s the one who truly has any power when the man asking for help mistakes him for the king.
Joffrey lays some surprisingly smooth moves on Sansa (who has gotten increasingly more bitchy the longer she’s been in the capital), and manages to make out with her IN FRONT OF THE CHAPERONE. You get 10 million pimp points for that one Prince Draco Malfoy. I’m guessing he got those moves from Tyrion, because he certainly didn’t get them from Robert or Cersei.
Ned tells his daughters he’s sending them back to the north, and surprisingly, now neither of them wants to leave. Not even Arya. But Sansa does point out something her father has somehow overlooked – Joffrey’s blond hair and that he’s nothing like the king. This takes Ned back to the book of noble lineages, where he finds out that all the Baratheons for like a million generations have had black hair. Add that to the fact that all the king’s bastards (this should be a nursery rhyme) have favoured Robert despite their mother’s colouring, and the fact that we the audience knows Cersei bangs her own brother, and suddenly the princes and princess’ golden hair looks mightily suspicious.
Tyrion remains locked up in the world’s most terrifying cell, so he manages to convince the stupid turnkey that he’ll give him lots of money for getting him an audience with Lady Lysa. Being Tyrion, he knows exactly what to say to get her attention, and Mord’s. Tyrion gives the best confession ever, and we learn the secret ingredient to Casterly Rock’s stew (also to never eat it). He requests a trial by combat rather than a more traditional verbal one that he knows he can’t win. Of course as a dwarf he needs a champion to fight for him, and Bronn the mercenary steps in. All the knights of the Vale jump at the chance to avenge their lord, but Bronn easily takes out the heavily encumbered knight because he’s willing to fight dirty. This is a key theme in the series – that there are few honourable men, and those that do exist certainly don’t get rewarded for it. In this world, those with wit, money and influence are the ones who seem to excel. Catelyn has no choice but to let him go, because like her husband she still believes in fairness and justice. Tyrion does at least make good on his promise to give Mord his purse, and he tosses it to him on the way out.
Bran continues to dream about a three eyed crow, but at least in the real world his special saddle is finally done, and he can ride again! His joy at this is almost infectious when his big brother lets him take it out for a whirl in the woods. Greyjoy tries to convince Robb vengeance must be taken against the Lannister for what they did to his father, but Robb is understandably hesitant about throwing the entire country into war again. During this discussion he loses sight of his little brother, who gets found by a group of Wildings fleeing from beyond the Wall. They try to rob the boy, but luckily Robb arrives just in time and kills most of the would be bandits. Not before the leader grabs Bran by the throat, and Robb is forced to yield. Greyjoy saves the day though by sneaking up behind and putting an arrow through the Wilder’s throat. Robb isn’t particularly pleased with Theon’s recklessness, so they spare the woman, the only one left.
For some reason we get another little scene with Greyjoy and his favourite prostitute Roz, who is on her way south. She knows her trade well, because she knows with war coming that’s where all the men will be heading, and so she follows the cocks, so to speak. Greyjoy is sad about it even though she burns him about his status again, and he tosses her a coin to get one last look at her magical fanny.
Dany tries to “hatch” one of her dragon’s eggs by putting them on some hot coals, which for some reason doesn’t seem to burn her. Apparently Dothraki girls are pretty tough though, because her hand maiden gets burned pretty badly and yet doesn’t seem all too concerned. Dany also has to eat an entire raw horse heart (while pregnant and nauseous!) in a Dothraki ceremony that again isn’t really explained (it’s sort of like her official coronation as a khaleesi, although they do leave out some really important information about the older women who are singing. I won’t go there yet in case they do bring it up later). Prophecies are revealed about her unborn child, that he will be the Stallion Who Mounts the World, unite first all the Dothraki tribes and then the rest of the world. The Dothraki have come to love their new Khalessi, and Viserys is jealous of this. He sneaks off to steal her dragon’s eggs to fund his army, but Jorah stops him, cementing his loyalty to Daenarys. Viserys is smart enough to realize that such love is important when you’re hoping to be a leader, but not smart enough to realize that he will probably never have it.
It’s top optional Dothraki feast time again when Viserys spoils the mood by showing up wasted and armed. He threatens his sister and her unborn child with his sword (which is forbidden in Vaes Dothrak). Drogo gets the best revenge ever by “giving him the crown he was promised” – melted down on his fat arrogant head. Of course this kills him, and Dany realizes this means he can’t possibly be the dragon after all, because what kind of dragon gets owned by a little molten gold?
- Blood: 2, Boobs: 1 (but they’re peripheral), Fannies: 1.
- I’m not sure who is outfit of the week this week, because I was pretty focused on plot, but it looked like Cersei was rocking some pretty sweet satin sleeves in her brief scene. Bran’s little riding getup was also adorable.
- “I once brought a donkey and a honey comb into a brothel….” “What happened next!?” CRACKED ME UP. That whole scene was brilliant actually. Tyrion definitely needs to tell us the rest of his delightful euphemisms for wanking. Also, my guesses for what happened next: They basted the donkey with honey and then ate it. They basted themselves with honey and had the donkey lick it off. They covered themselves in honey and then boned on top of the donkey. They covered themselves in honey and then made the donkey watch. I’m not sure which one is the most perverse, but probably it’s making the donkey watch.