I won't lie -- I peed a lot for this one. So much epicness has been set up, and has a super fan of the book series, it was really everything I could have hoped for.
It’s official: Ned has lost his head. Yoren bundles Arya up, carries her to an alley, tells her to act like a boy, and chops off her hair. He plans to take her North, out of the city. Sansa remains trapped in Joffrey’s creepy court, where he has a bard’s tongue cut out for singing a bawdy (awesome) song about how Robert Baratheon was whipped and that the Lannisters killed him. That done, he’s finished with court for the day and leaves the rest to his mother. He then takes Sansa out to see her father’s head out on the battlements. He tells her charming things like how he’s going to pack a baby in her as soon as it’s physically possible, and hits her by proxy (as this is much more gallant you see). She contemplates jumping off the small wooden bridge they’re on and taking Joffrey with her, but the Hound (now a member of the Kingsguard in case you didn’t notice his armour) stops her and tells her to give Joffrey what he wants. And gives her a hanky for her bloody lip.
It turns out that Cersei is now banging Bad Hair Lancel Lannister, and that war is now official. Also doddering old Grand Maester Pycelle is banging Roz, and we get some more sexposition while he talks about how he knew the Mad King Aerys. As it turns out, the old coot is spryer than he seems too, though I’m not exactly sure what to do with this information. Baelish and Varys spar again! Yay! They only do this because they love each other’s deviousness of course.
Yoren tells Arya she’s now Arry the Orphan Boy, and she better not forget it if she doesn’t want to be turned in for a pardon or even better, first raped and then turned in for a pardon. She almost immediately gets picked on by the bullies in the group, but she shows them. Sword style. Plus Gendry (!! Robert’s bastard in case you forgot) steps in and helps her out. And he still has his bull helm.
Bran has the dream about the three eyed crow again, only this time it’s telling him to go to the crypt to see his father. So he gets Osha to help him get down there, and she’s scared to do so for some reason (too many dead bodies coming back to life beyond the Wall, I suppose), and Bran tells her about his grandfather and aunt and their tragic ends. They also find little Rickon and his feral direwolf hiding down there because he had the same dream as Bran. They don’t literally find him there of course, but when they come back up Winterfell’s maester is there with the news of Ned’s death.
Catelyn has also heard the news and escapes the camp to grieve but finds her son in the woods, not taking it well. He vows to kill all the Lannisters in his mother’s arms, but she reminds him that they have to get his sisters back first.
Robb’s bannermen discuss siding with Renly, but Robb is of the same mind of his father – the throne should go to Stannis. The Greatjon cares nothing for either of them, and suggests the North should become an independent kingdom again, with Robb as its king. Even Theon Greyjoy bends the knee to this. Catelyn then goes to see Jaime Lannister in their makeshift prison, where he makes some pretty smart comments (he’s clearly learned something about being a prisoner from his little bro) and Catelyn bashes him in the face with a rock. He almost looks sad sitting there tied up to a tree. But he’s honest with Catelyn and tells her everything about Bran’s fall except what he saw.
The Lannister camp
The Lannisters and their allies are also taking stock in the wake of Ned’s death. They too realize there can be no peace now. Tywin is almost mad with the loss of Jaime, but he starts to notice the talents of his younger son, now that it looks like he might be stuck with just him. Tywin decides to regroup at Harrenhall with the rest of his men while he sends Ser Gregor out to terrorize the countryside. More interesting, he sends Tyrion to court as Hand to control the situation there in his stead. He tells him not to bring Shae, though. Shae is upset at this news, but Tyrion has no intention of following that command.
OK never mind, it looks like Jon is going to desert. Sam tries to stop him, but gets knocked over instead (he’s almost the Chris Pratt of GoT). Jon is out galloping in the woods when he hears what he thinks are senior Night’s Watchmen pursuing him, but he stops and turns around when he hears Sam’s squeals as he gets knocked off his horse (Oh Sam). It turns out he IS being pursued by Night’s Watchmen, but it’s his friends, not like, the commander. They remind him not just of his duty but that he has people he loves there as well. And they need him more.
Turns out Commander Mormont knows about Jon’s midnight ride, but he doesn’t seem to care since he came back. Apparently it’s not uncommon for someone to run away for the night, although usually they head straight for the nearest brothel. Also it turns out Mormont needs every man in the Watch, as he’s about to mount a campaign beyond the Wall. Not only are dead men walking and ancient evils stirring, but the Wildings also seem to be banding together as well. And the Lord Commander would much rather not sit around waiting for any of these things to kill him.
The Dothraki “Horde”
Dany awakens and finds out her son was born deformed, and did not live because they entered the tent. The khalesar has left because they will only follow strength, leaving her with one bloodrider, Ser Jorah, and a couple handfuls of slaves with nowhere else to go. Despite her sacrifice, all that remains of Drogo is a slobbering sack of meat. Mirri Maz Dur reveals her treachery, that she knew what she was doing when she cast that spell, and Dany is furious and heartbroken. She tries desperately to find her husband inside his shell, but he’s not there. She says her goodbyes and smothers him with a pillow. He doesn’t even fight her.
Dany burns her husband’s body on a pyre, and Dany sends him off with her dragon’s eggs. Oh, and Mirri Maz Dur. And herself. Jorah tries to convince her not to. She frees her slaves and proclaims herself the dragon’s daughter, but some still leave. Then she steps into the pyre. No one seems to know what to make of this until they awake in the morning and find Daenarys still very much alive. Naked and covered with soot….and DRAGONS. After several hundred years, the dragon eggs have hatched, and Dany is now Mother of Dragons. Everyone there bows, and Jorah and Rhekaro proclaim themselves her bloodriders. And…SCENE.
- Outfits of the week: Sansa and Daenarys. I'm not sure if Dany was wearing her wedding dress (I remember it being purple, not blue), but it's certainly not a coincidence either way. Also did you notice that Sansa is no longer wearing the locket Joffrey gave her? Although she is dressed a lot like Cersei in previous episodes (before her husband's death she wore a very similar pink dress a lot), which I also don't think is a coincidence, being the future Queen and all.
- Line of the week: “Do you fear my gash” On Varys, you and Petyr Baelish should bring that show on the road. You’re like Westeros’ very own Abbott and Costello.
- I realize I stopped counting boobs and blood, because honestly, WHO CARES. Also the “sexposition” as it’s come to be called is kind of hilarious. And Deadwood did it too. Constantly. Most of Swerengen’s monologues occurred mid-fellatio. So it’s not like HBO’s never done it before.